Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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