It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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