i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
