I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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