Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
