Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
