So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
