So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
