It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize