hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
