Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
