I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
