dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
