What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
