I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
