Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
