i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize