Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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