Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
