well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
