My first STD was from a foam party
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
