When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
