If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
