I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
