i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
