I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
