It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
All I want is dick and wine.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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