My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
