i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
