awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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