so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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