Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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