I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
