so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
