Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
