from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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