I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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