Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
