did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
