i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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