Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
