i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
