i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
