we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
