Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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