No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize