Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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