do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
