Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
