"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
