omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
