Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize