No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
