I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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