I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
