I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
