I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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