I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
