i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
How's work?
Spinning.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
